My Initiation Into The Lineage of Light
Beginning in early 1993, I felt the urgency from within my heart to become a minister. I took time to discover the metaphysical organization that felt aligned to me. I found many to be too analytical, others to be too diluted. In June of 1993, I met a group of ladies who were traveling to Carmel, CA to do a week of seminary. Our journeys were similar and we practiced the same modalities.
Off to Carmel I went. We all rented a home together to stay in. It was a great experience of “sisterhood”. My daughter actually joined us for a few days, but did not take the course. Each day we did so many hours of study about weddings, the death bed, counselling, baptisms, etc. We were given approximately 30 sermons to listen to, that were done by the minister giving us instruction. I went home with everything I needed other than creating a video of my first sermon that I would give. I began to listen to the tapes on long drives; I found them very informational, very expanding.
In the meantime, I made a new friend in Douglas Creed from a seminar I helped instruct. He told me of a teacher that lived in Thailand that was holding a seminar and that everyone who attended would become a minister. It required a month of meditation using a technique of Master Babaji. While the thought of this possibility was exciting, I had never been out of the United States. At the time I heard about this trip, I was married to Kevin. Kevin was not a spiritual man. When I told him I had decided to definitely go to Thailand, he not only thought I was crazy, but his only comment was, “I know you will never come home”…over and over again. So from a deep place within me, I went off to the passport office, applied for a Visa, and began wondering what the heck I was doing. My friend, Douglas Creed, lived in Florida and we decided to meet at the airport; surprise, my new friends from Carmel decided to go with us. It’s hard to express the excitement of visiting temples, meeting monks, unveiling a greater loving adventurous self. I feel it’s important to note, my husband took me to the airport; stating repeatedly that he knew I would not return home. I ignored him. I was on a journey following God within my heart. I was drawn to put one foot in front of the other. As we all took our seats on the plane, I saw Kevin from the window, staring at me. Douglas sat next to me. Uh-Oh… I felt a flash of Light and memories came to me. Lifetimes of being Douglas’ wife rippled through my consciousness. More than that, I knew, he was my twin flame. Uh-Oh, Uh-Oh! I remembered Kevin’s resistance, constantly insisting I not go on this trip. A huge smile came upon my face, I understood, he had become intuitive, he was right. Who I was in this moment would never go home; I would never again fit into the box of the little wife, in a little cottage. It was only the beginning, and I could feel this trip was going to be life altering in such a deep, wonderful way.
What followed was the 21 hour plane ride around the world, lots of time to contemplate what was coming next. As the plane from Seoul, Korea to Bangkok began to descend, I could feel the divine peace of the land. I was in awe. Excitement is not a big enough word. My brain said to me, “Wow. I’m going to become a minister.” And my heart said, “Stay awake for every moment, allow the changes”. As we disembarked at Bangkok, and were moving through customs, all we heard were languages we did not know, saw signs we could not read, searching for our next plane to Chiang Mai, all the while, hoping someone was there to meet us. Finally, we arrived in Chiang Mai, (a much smaller airport). I see a man who I recognize as Bob Fickes, our teacher. We followed him out to a large bus which would take us to our hotel. Our journey began.
Our first evening together as a group, was a dinner with approximately 50 people from all over the world. For me it was total cultural shock, as I had never experienced other nationalities, languages and customs. It was like hatching open an egg. For instance, imagine here we are, lightworkers, and in our first orientation, we are told there will be no hugging. It was mind boggling. A complaint had already been given upon our arrival that individuals were sighted hugging in the garden. Hugging was only permitted in our classroom, not outside. “Thailand Customs”. Additional requirements were that women had to wear skirts into the temples, below the knee, no shoes. Also, in case you are wondering, the food was hot, very hot, and too hot to eat. It was going to be a rice vacation for me. I tried ordering Spanish rice, and I got a plate of rice with ketchup over it and a raw egg on top. UMMMMM.
The first morning we gathered together to receive the Heart Mantra that we would use to meditate. It was quite ceremonial with white leis around our neck, and a lotus in our hands. As our teacher sang the 5,000 year old ceremony, I can still remember the shiver of awakening, the mantra piercing my heart like lightening, perceiving the dove of peace flying out from my heart. This one hour space of time is the most powerful gift I have ever given myself, to this day. My world had changed. We were to begin to incorporate twenty minute windows of meditation into our day for the first few days as we travelled out to temples and power sites. When we would arrive at a temple, the first thing I was touched by was how the faces of the Buddhas on the outer perimeter had been destroyed. Being close to something so sacred and to see the destruction was incomprehensible, And yet I think of here at home, and the sacredness, simply in the beauty of our land…and it’s true, we do the same thing here in America. As we walked inside the temple, we would go as far forward as possible, bow on our knees three times to the Buddha, touching our head to the floor, then lighting three sticks incense and sitting to meditate. Often there would be monks available around the temple. They were more than willing to give us blessings and tokens of their support. As I recollect this now, I realize how often I have experienced all those blessings from the whole trip.
We went to one temple where Buddha had walked. When we pulled up, there was a 10 story high white Buddha. It was amazing. It looked out over the valley. Certainly, we had a picture frenzy, standing with it, looking at it, and yet the most beautiful experience was yet to come. As we walked toward the main temple, we passed by the little huts where the child monks lived while they practiced their studies. It was beautiful to hear them singing their chants as we came around the corner with hundreds of little sandals on the ground. As we walked up the stairs to enter the temple, I held my breath. Upon the walls were beautiful paintings of consciousness done by the monks. It did not take knowing their language to understand what was before me. Oneness spans beyond language, indigenous and cultural differences. We all found our favorite picture, most likely, it represented what we were healing in our life at that moment. We were told to hold that image in our mind and we were guided back beyond the altar into a small circular stone temple, where Buddha had been. We were offered to sit and meditate to work with our image to see what it brought forth for us. So, so powerful. There are times still today with my eyes closed, I am once again in that circular temple and I commune with Buddha.
For a few days, we visited many temples, each one building upon the last, as we all learned to feel satisfied, spooning peanut butter out of a jar and drinking Volvic water.
Certainly our visit to the Chiang Dao Caves was one of the most remarkable experiences of my life. We were told before we arrived to stay close together. It was known to be filled with little gnomes and fairies that would try to lure people into their land, from which you would not return. Certainly, for a moment, it made me think of my husband’s fear. Douglas and I chose to hire a guide who carried a gas lantern to take us deeper into the cave. The journey wasn’t only walking, in places; we would have to duck down to crawl through small openings and then clamber into large caverns. While at our deepest point, we heard the roar of a dragon, or should I say, what we thought the roar of a dragon would sound like. A few weeks earlier, they had found the scale of a dragon deep within the caves. We were told by our teacher that every opening we crawled through was a transformational gate. Believe me, I remember thinking, “who am I”. Know that on later journeys, when we returned to Thailand, we once again crawled through the holes in the dark, in the deep dark cave without hesitation. When walking through the large rooms of the caves, there were so many stalagmite and stalactites. What you will be surprised to know, is that when we walked around a corner, there would be a huge cow formed in the deposits. There would be a chicken on the right or a rabbit on the left. It would all make me wonder, who made these? Yet they were all natural. Amazing. I believe the caves engaged the wonder of the world within me, certainly revealing interesting truths about fear, trust, and appreciation of the moment. I truly felt like the young prince who became Buddha, innocent and naïve to life. Taking each step knowing the land I stepped upon had once before been stepped upon by Buddha, that perhaps the place I stood upon, he too had stood there and looked out at the mountains. I wonder if he too, like me, attempted to decipher the wonderment in my heart about life. Awareness stirred within me, healing and transformation were so different here. I could breathe and deepen the expansions of my lungs to include the depth and all-ness of love all around me. And yet I was all too well aware that to talk about this experience and the awareness of how my heart was beating, and the excitement of believing God was real, wasn’t something I could ever perhaps put into words. It’s something you live for, you wait for, you hold as precious. For it was an experience, it was a feeling; yes, I was still me, but I looked different, felt different, and thought different. Learning about a world I had never seen, experiencing feelings inside me that I didn’t know existed, embracing it all with an uplifted heart. We were still in the first week and I was aware I was someone I never thought I could be: a being in communion with God, Source, the real deal.
Now, remember, during all this, we were meditating for 20 minutes whenever we could. In a few days, that would increase to all day, but for now we were being tourists also. My heart was growing, holding so much new information; the people of Thailand I saw clearly held the light as light-dwellers. That’s what I will call them. At home in America, individuals have a greater fear about another person, fear of being hurt, wanting what they have, losing themselves. While in this beautiful country of peace, the peoples auras shown like bright lights. Their smiles brought me an acknowledgement of God within me. And certainly if they saw it within me, then I must be the light. In America we look for our approval, many times even the identification of self, from our outer world, from our friends, family, authority or job, leaving us feeling empty with a great void. In Thailand, I felt empowered to acknowledge myself within, to be confident in the smile that expressed itself from within my heart to others. Oneness took on a whole new meaning for me. I could hear the piano keys creating a beautiful melody, a harmony in our union. There was no fear here. We would wake up a 2:30 in the middle of the night to go to the night market. It was wonderful. As I repeat, there was no fear. We would buy scarves and Buddhas, laugh with the vendors at the market. It was a wonderful time. I was learning how to chase fear out of my thoughts. As I would sit quietly, I would see one hand held in another and knew the trust within me was growing at the same time. My trust and my relationship with God was creating a foundation for my journey forward. At times I would ask myself, “Is this what is required to become a minister?” And I would realize immediately, the desire to be a minister was just the carrot. It was meant for me to return home. To do so I needed a place of peace, quiet and harmony. And yet I was only in the beginning.
The second week arrived with less travel. We did go to one place in Chiang Mai. It was to a temple of the Wax Buddha. The entrance into this temple had sixty golden Buddhas sitting next to each other down a long walkway. Then we entered into a log building filled with pictures and writings commemorating the life of the Buddha. As we read and felt his energy, we were anxious to go to his temple, for there the people had made a wax figurine of him sitting in the lotus position, prepared to speak to all people. Upon entering the temple, the ceiling was filled with hundreds of crisscrossing ropes, a level of protection we had not yet seen; from the hand of one Buddha to the hand of another Buddha, creating a web upon the ceiling. To the right, a beautiful table was set with pictures of the actual Buddha as he took his last breaths. It showed his aura releasing through his breath, his energy moving like a rainbow into the wax figure giving it life. Mind boggling. Well, the only thing I could do next was to prepare myself to go to sit across from this wax figure. I can remember it vividly, first with eyes open, feeling the penetration of his energy down into my heart. He told me he was honored by my visit. Yes, I could hear him. His hope was that his journey would help people believe; believe in light, energy, and Supreme Consciousness. Upon closing my eyes, I still can remember him taking me into the jungle to a sacred place near water. He created blessed water in a bowl and as he began to sing light language, he placed a handful of water upon my head, on each of my hands, and over my heart. Then another being came in, swishing incense all around me. This was the beginning of my purification. I don’t remember understanding it all at that moment, but as you will see, the journey only grew. The Buddha had died a long, long time ago. We were walked over to his body encased in a glass coffin. And there he was, perfectly intact other than his left foot. It was the only part of him that had degenerated over hundreds of years. Let it be said, we did not want to leave. The magic of source was alive here. Yes, it was alive within me also. Once again the energy of oneness was everywhere. Truly this Buddha was not dead…
We returned back to the room, back to our meditations, never to be the same again. Our meditations took on a new life at this time also. We would begin at 2:30 in the morning and meditate till 4:00 in the afternoon. In the early morning would be the most profound time, as the energy was moving across the land and it was whisper quiet. At these meditations, I would see myself as a water being in many iridescent colors. I could place my hand through it, I could stretch it, it was certainly another reality. When I spoke with my teacher about it, he said in the future we would become water beings, and I was seeing this future time. Also, my reality of the 3-D was beginning to crumble. I would go to walk and feel as though pieces were falling and disjointed. It was all good.
I was never one that liked, even Chinese food, so you must realize that along with all the clarity from our travels, and the addition of meditation, I was also very clear from the clear diet I was eating. So in the third week of meditation, in the early morning, I had barely any thoughts for a number of meditations, and then he came. It was as if through a square television of sorts, Master Babaji sat there across from me. He waived his hand towards me to follow him. I motioned for him to come towards me. In that instant, the area of my entire room changed. He was in the room with me. I remember looking at his arm to see if there was truly hair upon it, to see if he was really real, and there it was. I could understand him so clearly. It was like meeting someone I had known forever. In the next breath, we were high in the Himalayan Mountains within a cave. This immediately struck like a bolt of lightning in my heart, for my master teacher, Sanat Kumara had told me that between each lifetime, I returned to a cave of amethyst for renewal, regeneration, and redemption. Master Babaji and I spoke of many things; the power of the techniques, and how they would change the world. They were to be my instruction and that it is why I was chosen. I began to notice a lot of Masters surrounding me. Many I knew of and worked with; perhaps, 50-60 of them. I also noticed my teacher for this seminar had arrived, Bob Fickes. A beautiful golden cloth was laid upon the ground. Incense was swirled through the air, torches were lit, a great love was felt everywhere. The lotus of my crown was held within the palms of Babaji, expanding. I remember making a loud, high tone. Each master would step up to me, offering mantras, geometrics, images, frequencies, illuminations, one after another after another. I felt my back could arch no further to hold all that was given to me. There was so much floating in the air for me to take in, what did it all mean? Joshua walked over to me. “Little One, relax; become a part of the whole, the Lineage of the Masters welcomes you to stand next to them”. Again I heard frequencies of sound, choirs of angels singing. I saw the Maharishi who I had never met before. I saw him take Babaji’s hand, and the next thing that happened was Lady Master Tara walked within me. Master Babaji told me it was his gift to me and the dewdrop of her student mantra was placed within my heart. I can still hear it echoing through the universe. There were sounds and voices singing, speaking light language everywhere all around me. I could hear the waterfalls of his cave thundering of transformation, purifying. The night had come, I could see the stars, I could see the stars walk across the universe. They were alive. I remember praying asking that one day I would understand all that was given to me on this day. I must have drifted, for later I awoke in my room, somewhat fitful. My body ached from all it had been through. My throat was sore from all I had spoken and shrilled in the night and yet now all was quiet. I had never known a state of fullness before to this level. I watched timidly for my teacher to arrive at the retreat the next morning. What would he say? Do I keep it to myself? I chose to tell. I saw his car pull up and I asked for private time. I told him what had happened to me. He did as he often did, gently laughed. “Yes, it seems like you had quite an experience. Babaji’s daughter is who you are known to be. Lady Tara is his counterpart and the one gift you have not mentioned is the gift of securing sound into another soul; A bija mantra.” So I’ll tell you, I cried. For a long time I cried. I didn’t want to see anyone, talk to anyone. I just wanted to be alone. Part of me thought that because I had told my teacher, it would all go away. Of course, none of that happened. My faith, trust, and awareness only grew. Time for a pause…My sacred story, not told to many.
I have one more powerful experience to share with you. Toward the end of the retreat, there were only three of us left. My teacher came and told us we needed to learn more about what it was like to be Buddha. So we gathered our things and as we walked, we ended up staring down a very dark, lower level alley where Buddha used to meditate. As our teacher walked us in, there were little cubbies. He assigned us our spot, we were to sit and not move all day; simply meditate. Now, this was not a clean little alley, it was filthy. We could hear little things skittering around. But right away, we all began to meditate for there was nothing else to do. He would return at the end of the day. These meditations were very powerful. It’s as if I was receiving tutoring from Buddha. The more I slipped into myself, the more the location dissolved and became a pasture with the sun shining. I felt full, certainly not alone, and rejuvenated. The next thing I remember was someone calling my name. It was one of the other two people. We had passed our test. We were guided back to our rooms. Another day I’ll never forget. In case you are wondering, I became a Meditation Master Initiator, a Minister of Light, a Minister of Council, and a Minister of Healing for the Council of Light. All of these attainments felt like a strand of light in my relationship to God…a piece of the foundation of who I am today.
Thirty days of meditating had ended; I had seen more than I would have ever expected and yes it’s true, who I was, was not going home.
The heart mantra had touched my heart in such a way, Love had become my only possibility. I even asked myself, “should I live here? It is so peaceful. Babaji clearly told me to only return one more time. The Americas are waiting for me.
After I had placed my bags on the conveyor belt at the Chiang Mai airport to go home, I turned to my teacher to say good bye. His last words to me were: "Remember, you just became all light, there is nothing to fear when you hold the light". As I left him in the terminal I paused, I turned back and there he was, waving his arm to me as if it were holding a lantern in the night, with a huge smile of confidence on his face. I realized it was confidence in me. Those words vibrate within me still each and every day. That night as I travelled, I existed within a mass of strangers with different faces, yet those simple words transformed them all into friends with light in their hearts, “light-dwellers”. I felt the power of a gentle loving eye open doors for me, the simplest smile I gave, would bring me a smile in return. Fear and withdrawal was no longer where I reached for comfort. I took a deep breath and relaxed into myself...to the “light dweller” within me.